The Chocolate Calculator

This is amazing ... it worked for me!

This is truly weird!! Try it out!    Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway  -but the Hershey Man will know!       YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH!              This is pretty neat.  DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!  It takes less than a minute.  Work this out as you read.  Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!  This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like  to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)  2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)  3. Add 5  4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..  If you haven't, add 1758.  6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.  You should have a three digit number  The first digit of this was your original number  (i.e., how many t imes you want to have chocolate each week).  The next two numbers are  YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)  THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND  WHILE IT LASTS.

 

Dear Pets

The following letter was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:     Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours & contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway/hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom/end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-- canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's

why they call in 'fur'-niture. 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are

short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less. 2. don't ask for money all the time. 3. are easier to train. 4. normally come when called. 5. never ask to drive the car. 6. don't smoke or drink 7. don't want to wear your clothes. 8. don't have to buy the latest fashions. 9. don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and 10.if they get pregnant you can sell all their children.

CURTAIN RODS - SWEET REVENGE

 

 

 

 

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS  She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents we rechecked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!  People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.......            I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!!  DON'T YOU?