Luck of the Fraw

> Six old Jewish guys were playing poker in Goldstein's apartment
> when Schwartz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and
> drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother,
> the other five continue playing standing up.
>
> Weinstein looks around and asks, "Someone's got to tell Schwartz's
> wife. Who will it be?"
>
> They draw straws. Goldstein picks the short one. They tell him to
> be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
>
> "Discreet?" Goldstein says, "I'm the most discreet Jew you'll ever
> meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
>
> Goldstein goes over to Schwartz's house and knocks on the door.
> Mrs. Schwartz answers, and asks what he wants.
>
> Goldstein declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to
> come home."
>
> "Tell the putz to drop dead!", says Mrs. Schwartz.
>
> "I'll go tell him." says Goldstein.

Cash for Codgers

 

JUST IN ... 
  
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan. 
 
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed,  are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named.... 

"CASH FOR CODGERS": and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person.  The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts.

Special "Bonuses" will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups, such as smokers, alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over  their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who consume beef, soda, fried foods, potato chips, lattes, whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be rendered totally useless via toxic injection. This will insure that they are not secretly resold or their body parts harvested to keep other codgers in repair. 

Run little buddy, Run!   
 
And remember you heard it here first...

Patriotic Duty - August 22, 2009

DONT FORGET ABOUT NEXT SATURDAY: Please Help our Country! Don't forget to mark your calenders, Saturday August 22, 2009. As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. He must commit suicide if he does. So next Saturday at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood potential Muslim extremist terrorists. Women are asked to Circle their block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. This is a NO COST (to the Government) effort, and is a new weapon put forth by the Obama Adminsitration as a cheap way of continuing our effort of the War on Terrorism, weeding out possible terrorists and keeping our troops out of harms way, and not adding to the deficit. Patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not radical Muslims, and to demonstrate they think its okay to see nude women other than their wife, and to show support for all American women. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 12-pack of beer at your side is further proof of your non-Muslim affiliation. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out possible terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America ! It is your patriotic duty to pass this on.

HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? This Is Funny.

HOW  SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? This is  hysterical. You have to try this. It is absolutely true. I guess there are some things that the brain cannot  handle. HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!  It is from an  orthopaedic  surgeon............ This  will confuse your mind and you  will keep trying over and over again to see if you can  outsmart your foot, but, you  can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain! 1. While sitting at your  desk in front of your computer, lift Your  right foot off the floor and make clockwise  circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number  '6' in the air With  your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I  told you so! And there's nothing you can do about  it! You  and I both know how stupid it is, but before  the Day  is done you are going to try it again, if you've not  already done so. Send it to your friends to  frustrate them too !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Useless yet Fun Facts

USELESS FACTS:

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. 

(Hardly seems worth it.) 

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. 

(Now that's more like it!) 

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. 

(O.M.G.!) 

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.) 

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) 

(I'm still not over the pig.) 

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour 

(Don't try this at home, maybe at work) 

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. 

(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!) 

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. 

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?) 

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. 

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) 

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. 

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity) 

Butterflies taste with their feet. 

(Something I always wanted to know.) 

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. 

(Hmmmmmm......) 

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. 

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) 

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. 

(Okay, so that would be a good thing) 

A cat's urine glows under a black light. 

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) 

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

( I know some people like that.) 

Starfish have no brains 

(I know some people like that too.) 

Polar bears are left-handed. 

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer) 

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. 

(What about that pig??) 

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to, maybe even a chuckle. 

(and God love that pig)

The Little Girl and the Biker

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one
day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl,

I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."


"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.


The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,


"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy

if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out....


"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the
Harley .....YOU RIDE IT!"

Church Bulletins

Every time this e-mail comes around it gives me a good laugh. Hope it does the same for you!

MaryAlice Sells

http://maryalice-fromalaska.blogspot.com/

http://bessmadelyn.multiply.com/

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer 2007 Release).   ---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been  due to a conflict. ---------------------------------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' --------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.. --------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones... --------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ------------------------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ---------------------------------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.. Is done. ---------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. --------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Things Mom Taught Me

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."  

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."  

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"  

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 

"Because I said so, that's why." 

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."  

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."  

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"  

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."  

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"  

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."  

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 

"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 

"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."  

19. My mother taught me ESP. 

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"  

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."  

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."  

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 

"You're just like your father." 

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24.  My mother taught me WISDOM. 

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25. And my favorite:  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

The Chocolate Calculator

This is amazing ... it worked for me!

This is truly weird!! Try it out!    Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway  -but the Hershey Man will know!       YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH!              This is pretty neat.  DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!  It takes less than a minute.  Work this out as you read.  Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!  This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like  to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)  2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)  3. Add 5  4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..  If you haven't, add 1758.  6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.  You should have a three digit number  The first digit of this was your original number  (i.e., how many t imes you want to have chocolate each week).  The next two numbers are  YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)  THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND  WHILE IT LASTS.

 

Dear Pets

The following letter was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:     Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours & contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway/hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom/end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-- canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's

why they call in 'fur'-niture. 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are

short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less. 2. don't ask for money all the time. 3. are easier to train. 4. normally come when called. 5. never ask to drive the car. 6. don't smoke or drink 7. don't want to wear your clothes. 8. don't have to buy the latest fashions. 9. don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and 10.if they get pregnant you can sell all their children.

CURTAIN RODS - SWEET REVENGE

 

 

 

 

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS  She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents we rechecked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!  People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.......            I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!!  DON'T YOU?

A New Element Discovered

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one  neutron,
 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,  which are
 surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
 Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
 A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
 Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
 It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
notion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons' reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium,
 an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Giving Up Wine

I hope this brings you some inspiration. It did for me! Mary     Giving Up Wine I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' I just know you're laughing! You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin. 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, jaysus, mary and joseph!  T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulgin' fiercely.  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,  ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again'

A Blonde Joke

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again t o cut her hole.

The voice came once more,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"