Church Bulletins

Every time this e-mail comes around it gives me a good laugh. Hope it does the same for you!

MaryAlice Sells

http://maryalice-fromalaska.blogspot.com/

http://bessmadelyn.multiply.com/

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer 2007 Release).   ---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been  due to a conflict. ---------------------------------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' --------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.. --------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones... --------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ------------------------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ---------------------------------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.. Is done. ---------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. --------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Things Mom Taught Me

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."  

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."  

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"  

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 

"Because I said so, that's why." 

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."  

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."  

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"  

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."  

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"  

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."  

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 

"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 

"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."  

19. My mother taught me ESP. 

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"  

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."  

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."  

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 

"You're just like your father." 

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24.  My mother taught me WISDOM. 

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25. And my favorite:  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.