The Little Girl and the Biker

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one
day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,

"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl,

I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."


"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.


The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,


"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy

if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."


Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out....


"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the
Harley .....YOU RIDE IT!"

Church Bulletins

Every time this e-mail comes around it gives me a good laugh. Hope it does the same for you!

MaryAlice Sells

http://maryalice-fromalaska.blogspot.com/

http://bessmadelyn.multiply.com/

They're Back! Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!  Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (Summer 2007 Release).   ---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ---------------------------------------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. ---------------------------------------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ---------------------------------------------------------- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been  due to a conflict. ---------------------------------------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. --------------------------------------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. --------------------------------------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ---------------------------------------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ---------------------------------------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' --------------------------------------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------------------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.. --------------------------------------------------------- Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones... --------------------------------------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------------------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. --------------------------------------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ------------------------------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. ----------------------------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ---------------------------------------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------------------------------------- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S.. Is done. ---------------------------------------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. --------------------------------------------------------- The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. ---------------------------------------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ---------------------------------------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan: Last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours'

Things Mom Taught Me

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. 

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."  

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."  

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"  

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 

"Because I said so, that's why." 

5.  My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."  

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."  

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about." 

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?" 

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"  

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."  

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!"  

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."  

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 

"Just wait until we get home." 

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 

"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

18.  My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."  

19. My mother taught me ESP. 

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"  

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."  

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."  

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 

"You're just like your father." 

23.  My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

24.  My mother taught me WISDOM. 

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

25. And my favorite:  My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

The Chocolate Calculator

This is amazing ... it worked for me!

This is truly weird!! Try it out!    Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway  -but the Hershey Man will know!       YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH!              This is pretty neat.  DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!  It takes less than a minute.  Work this out as you read.  Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!  This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like  to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)  2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)  3. Add 5  4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator  5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..  If you haven't, add 1758.  6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.  You should have a three digit number  The first digit of this was your original number  (i.e., how many t imes you want to have chocolate each week).  The next two numbers are  YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)  THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND  WHILE IT LASTS.

 

Dear Pets

The following letter was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:     Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours & contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway/hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom/end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-- canine/feline attendance is not required. The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough. Finally, in fairness dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door: TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's

why they call in 'fur'-niture. 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are

short, hairy, walk on all fours, and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. eat less. 2. don't ask for money all the time. 3. are easier to train. 4. normally come when called. 5. never ask to drive the car. 6. don't smoke or drink 7. don't want to wear your clothes. 8. don't have to buy the latest fashions. 9. don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and 10.if they get pregnant you can sell all their children.

CURTAIN RODS - SWEET REVENGE

 

 

 

 

CURTAIN RODS----PRICELESS  She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents we rechecked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!  People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house. Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home......... And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods.......            I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING!!  DON'T YOU?

A New Element Discovered

Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet
known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one  neutron,
 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,  which are
 surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
 Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be
detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
 A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally
take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
 Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
 It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
notion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In
fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming
isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe
that Governmentium is formed whenever morons' reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical
morass. When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium,
 an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it
has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

Giving Up Wine

I hope this brings you some inspiration. It did for me! Mary     Giving Up Wine I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' I just know you're laughing! You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

Irish Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advise in reviving her husband's libido. 'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor. 'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin. 'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.' It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, jaysus, mary and joseph!  T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor! 'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor. 'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants abulgin' fiercely.  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying,  ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!' 'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?' 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years!  But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again'

A Blonde Joke

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,

"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again t o cut her hole.

The voice came once more,


"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward! and said,

"IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

I am Diggin' Haiku! Here's another Original

                                                                 Music Chatter Art

                                                         Fill up the Coffee Cafe'

                                                        Good smells Good flavor

Hat?

My little bunny

is wearing something funny

PanCake for a hat!

MaryAlice

New Videos

I hope you enjoy

Bill and fish and eagle cams

fresh choices for you!

MaryAlice 

Haiku for Snow

Big fat fluffy flakes

sparkling dancing pure white snow

friendly face ticklers!

MaryAlice

Apologize!

Free Form Jazz/Blues accompanies this song

So you say you’re sorry
you know you hurt me so bad
you LIKE to say you
are sorry

you don't like to see me mad
well
I know you are sorry
you
Sorry So and So
But Baby what I want to know
is
when are you goin' to Apologize to me?

Mmmm hmmm yeah
(a little guitar and bass riff here)

you filled my ears with your
Sweet Talk! (sax)
you filled my head with your
Sweet Talk! (sax and bass)

Oh then Baby you say
Baby it's late
you need to get home (all instruments, piano forefront)

Hmmm mmmm Yeah
RIGHT
(bass and sax riff)
(piano walks it home)

Well BABY guess who works at that Bar
on Merchant Street?
That's right Baby
she's my friend and she said to ME
(squakity sax here)
Oh oh whoa oh
That's right honey you hang your head low,
(bass and piano)
You say,
"Baby baby I am Sorry I cheated on you"
(bass, bass guitar, piano)

Well!
Baby I know that you are sorry
You sorry So and So
but What I NEED to know
(tenor sax and guitar)
is
when are you goin' to apologize to me?

(instrumental sweet, seductive)
(sung smooth, watercolor memory, no anger)
Your mmmm puppy dawg eyes
your Ohhhh firm
full
mouth
and your uhhhh well
a Lady doesn't say
(background musicians mumble agreement, snicker)
(bass walks down the scale)
Kept me in a LOVE fog
I mean you make me
mellow
Till
(musicians emphasis phrase)

I found out the truth about you
you Sorry Fellow!

(singer returns to original sassy mood)

OH YEAH

I am done with forgivin'
Don't you you beg me you dawg
because
I know that you are Sorry
Oh yeah
you ARE sorry
You Sorry So and SOOOOO
oh oh oh
NOW

(musicians emphasis phrase)

when

(musicians go to minor key)

hmmmm mmm (yeah baby)
I mean WHEN
(that's right)

(musicians give jazzy bluesy build up, back to original key)

Are you going to
Apologize

(2 bar riff)

to ME ?

(musicians resolve)

Sung and performed in "Conversational Style".

This line about "yeah you're sorry all right but when are you gonna apologize" has been dancing around in my head for years.
As with Free Style Jazz/Blues, a whole lot of lyrics aren't needed. The Singer's emotions and the skill of the musicians get the story across.

A Free Form Jazz Song, Original by MaryAlice Sells

I have known lovers
sweating the sheets to be crude
and it felt good
so I believed.
Then
that day
god, like a stupid love song
our eyes met, or
should I say,
my eyes saw yours and,
oh yeah
you can laugh
but the earth
did
spin
and
My whole being knew
I mean
my Soul did know
that
you,
oh yes yes yeah yeah yeah uhmmm
you
are
the one and only.
But I didn't tell you
oh no I dared not tell you oh
NO
better be your friend
than risk the loss from the truth.
Oh ohh whoa I was your friend while she
(bitch)
broke your heart
(BITCH)
I was there for you my friend oh hmmm mm mmm yeah

instrumental; piano, soft drums, some bass
from "memories" (the feeling not the song) the musicians change key to sexy/lovey

Ohhh yeah (ok laugh call me silly and sappy but)
THE NIGHT did come oh oh
OH COME
when you kissed me
Mmmmmm your lips formed around mine and our mouths

instruments; piano, soft soft sax

became one and oh yeah
the body smiles you gave me
body smiles like no one ever gave me
after ALL these years years years
my body still smiles

instrumental 5 bars

and it cries
misery and pain
yup that same old story
yup but hey
(speaking voice) let me tell you
(singing) That story
same
and old
is true so oh TRUE
telling the pain of the
"See ya"
and the joy of the
body smiles.....

instruments, a country western hint

SHE STOPPED LOVING HIM TODAY
has already been written

(talking) thank you man you said it for me

(singing) I will always feel the joy
My body will always smile
and cry

instrumental 3 bars

my body will always smile and cry
for Blue Eyes
and blond hair
(yeah, chuckle, what a cliche')
mustache and strong white teeth and
my

intruments

true

intruments

Love

This is a Jazz/Torch Song
Written by me, MaryAlice
Thank You

An Original by MaryAlice Sells

"His Breath"

Warm, moist, soft
soft like fur
is my love's breath upon me.
My cheeks adore it
my neck longs for it
on cold Winter's nights the heat
of his breath
warms me
everywhere.

Warm moist and soft like fur
air fur
carresses me
annoints me
everywhere.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a Princess. OK she wasn't actually real Royalty, but her dad and her Uncles treated her like a Princess. Unfortunately, this did not prepare the Princess for the Real World. Those who coddled and spoiled her meant well, they really did love her.
The Princess met a Toad, She believed all the Fairy Tales that told her if she kissed the Toad and loved the Toad enough, he would become a Prince. This was her first realization of "The Big Lies" and it broke her heart. The Toad remained a Toad.
The Princess traveled from Kingdom to Kingdom, searching for her Prince. She was a kind, loving and trusting Princess, which made her Prey for every Silver Tongued Devil who wanted her Beauty but not her.
The Princess soon began to question, "Am I become a Slut or a Sap?".
Finally, the Princess made a Friend, and this Friend, although not a Prince, did want her and Married her. It was a Wonderful Marriage at first. They shared dreams of growing old together.
But then, things changed. After many years, the Husband/Friend seemed to grow tired of The Princess and the Princess suffered many disappointments. It became clear that the Husband/Friend was pushing the Princess away.
Sadly, she left the Husband, her dreams dashed.
The ending of this story is actually the beginning of a new Story for The Princess. She is learning, finally, who she really is. She is learning to love herself. Not in a narcissistic way, rather The Princess is finding her own voice, her own Path, not a voice and path imposed upon her.
She still yearns for her True Prince, Incurable Romantic that she is. But in the meantime, the Adventure of her New Life, her Own life, is giving her fulfillment, Hope and Happiness.

MaryAlice

FWD: Police Humor

GOOD:
A Tonawanda, NY policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer also found that the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Kenmore , NY. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded by mailing a photo of handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As New York State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."

He replied, "New York State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

MaryAlice

FWD: A True Friend

A TRUE FRIEND

Are you sick of all those sissy "friendship" poems
that always sound like Hallmark cards, and never come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and
plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and tell you to quit
whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end. Why, you ask?
Because you are my friend.

Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body. Let me know if
I ever need to bring a shovel.

MaryAlice